This will no doubt be the hardest thing to ever write down, and I'm not really sure how I'm suppose to start. I'm afraid of what people will think about me. What they will say about me. I'm afraid that if I let everyone know... it's real. But I can't keep pretending like I'm not still hurting and that my life hasn't taken a 180 degree spin. I wasn't planning on telling a lot of people, let alone making it completely public. But unfortunately, the power of God is bigger than me, and I guess my story needs to be told.
About a month before I went off to college at Trevecca Nazarene University, my life changed. I became part of a statistic. It says that 1 in 3 girls before the age of 18 are sexually assaulted. Sadly, I was one. I was sexually assaulted by a boy I had only known a few hours. And sparing the gory details of the event, I was completely and utterly traumatized.
I was embarrassed.
I felt dirty.
I felt ashamed of myself.
I felt worthless.
I felt like it was my fault.
Sometimes, I still feel like that. The incident killed me inside. Made me feel even less than I already felt about myself. I came to school, and hadn't even told one soul about it. I had been carrying this burden all alone until it finally came out weeks into the school year. Still, I couldn't let go of what had happened. I lived in darkness and sank into depression. I became a pro at hiding it. Like it never happened. I was lying to myself. Breaking me down from the inside. Building up walls between me and God. I stopped talking to him. Stopped praying, because I was afraid God could never forgive someone like me. I couldn't tell my parents, I was afraid they would see me differently. I was afraid they would treat me differently.
Do you know how wrong I was? I honestly laugh at myself now because I believed that.
After telling someone, my heart finally began to open again. I knew that I needed to pray. Well, when I did, I made peace with God. Gave him my heart again and he healed me.
I'm not the same person I used to be, but better.
I am stronger.
I know my worth.
I am not ashamed of who I am or what I've been through.
It wasn't my fault, and I am not dirty.
Currently, I am still healing. I still have nightmares. I still struggle with self worth. But God is so amazing guys. HE IS SO GOOD. I actually just recently got another tattoo on my right forearm that reads "I am enough" and this is the story behind it. It reminds me everyday of how strong I am and that I am enough.
The reason I felt moved to tell my story is because it's April. April is sexual assault awareness month. I want to encourage you guys, even if you can't relate to this story, know that you don't have to carry your burdens alone. If, however, you are going through something similar, know that God loves you, and that you don't have to be silent. You don't ever have to go through anything alone.
Come with me, all of you who are weary, carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. -- Matthew 11:28
I hope this encouraged you, and that you won't see or think of me any differently.
